the secret to letting go

I've been noticing lately, especially over the past few months, that every once in awhile i'll be hit with a pang of guilt that seems to come from nowhere. when i explore the feeling, and try to pinpoint what exactly the train of thought this is ever-running in the back of my mind the guilt is coming from. usually i realize that it's from a memory of something that i am less-than-satisfied with. something i did (or didn't do) that i feel should have been done differently - something in the performance of my life that i'm not happy with.

This memory is accompanied by a wincing, regretful, pang-y feeling that is probably the worst feeling i've ever experienced. i try to distract myself right away, because i realize there is nothing that i can do to change what happened, and dwelling on it will only suck me down into the depths of these cringey feelings that make me feel nauseous and want to hide under a pillow. i wish i could expel these memories, or make them drop into one of the fissures of my brain so that they can't be accessed again, but they have a tendency to pop up over and over... 

the member of my staff last year who i should have dealt with differently

the stupid thing i said to someone who i was trying to
make a good impression on

the time i didn't speak up when a friend said something
really domineering and rude to me

...all the stuff that makes me feel really stupid and embarrassed,
angry at myself and wishing i could do it over.

upon reflection, i guess the only way to remove these thoughts from my memory and keep them from forever popping up in my back-of-mind thought train, is to do better. use every day to be the best person i can be, and show myself that those embarrassing, i-hate-myself moments are but a very small portion of the person i actually am (and eventually, they won't even be a significant portion), because they are being replaced every day by memories of the amazing girl who says what she means, who makes the right decisions, who takes action when something needs to be done, basically, the girl who does and says all the right things, who goes with her gut & reacts in a way that is true to herself. that is who i want to be, and if i can just try to remember those things that i value most about myself every single day, in every situation, then i can start to do things that way, and eventually those regretful memories will be lost in a sea of amazing memories that i can think back on and say "wow i'm so glad i did that!"

what are the things you do or say that make you proud to be you?
what makes you feel empowered and amazing?
are you doing those things every day?
are you staying true to your best self?

it's a challenge, but i'm working on it.


  1. Anonymous2/11/09

    I know the feeling! It sucks!

  2. i TOTAALY get and relate to what you are saying here. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street or in the shower and a flashback will come to me of something bad that I said or did or didn't do. All of a sudden, out of no where it comes and haunts me.
    Ugh...I wish I could get rid of those bad memories.


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