2/25/10

the secret to ending arguments

weheartit
amidst all the preparations,
the invitations, the decorations, the planning,
there was one thing that dante & i had to do before we could get married
in his family's catholic church...
we were required to take a marriage course
...
dante thought this was pretty much the most ridiculous thing in the world,
and although i thought it would be good for us
to have some time to reflect
on the giant, life-changing steps we were taking with each other,
i was a little skeptical too.

but...
after going through it,
i advise anyone who is getting ready to get married
to set up some time to do a pre-marriage course.
whether it's through your church, your local community center,
or with a private counsellor,
i found it so helpful to have a pre-formulated set of topics and questions
and time to talk about them.

because when you're engaged,
you should be planning your marriage
as much as you are planning your wedding.

most people know there are things they should talk about
with their significant other, like money, intimacy, children,
and personal preferences about all sorts of other things,
but most of us never do.
and these are the discussions that these courses are set up to facilitate.

and the most important thing
that we got out of the course was this...
it's not about winning a fight anymore.
if you want your relationship to work,
you have to let go of the idea that
you need to prove your partner wrong.
that has always been a very hard one for us,
and we're still working on it.
but the course taught us so many techniques for
how to cool off when you get upset,
how to slow down and listen to each other,
and how to work together to solve a problem,
regardless of whose "fault" the problem may be.
i believe that this really changed both of our perspectives
on the way we approached our relationship,
and the course helped us turn our pretty wonderful dating relationship
into a fantastic, loving and permanent marriage.
we now know that having a happy marriage is more important
than proving the other person wrong.
and of course we will always have growing to do
and changes we'll have to make in order to live in harmony with one another,
but we are doing our best to work everything out together
and to make each other happy with every thing we do.

16 comments:

  1. I will let my boyfriend read this ._. Thank you so much for sharing this post, its very enlightening.

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  2. Always wise to draw up a draft before you start building your foundation! Wishing you many blessed years of marital bliss :)

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  3. Great post, I think it's a great idea to do the pre marriage course and really talk about each others wants and needs in your marriage. I think so many people get married too quickly without really thinking about it.

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  4. such good advice Meg! An excellent post! couldn't agree more.

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  5. Great post! I couldn't possibly agree more. I sure wish Blogger had a LIKE button like facebook :)

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  6. This is an awesome, awesome, awesome post!!! Great advice here!! We're looking into taking a marriage course too. My mister is actually looking forward to it, as am I. We're finding (even during the engagement) your advice soo true, the whole, "it's not about winning the fight anymore!" Wherever you guys got your counseling, they knew what they were doing!! I'll report back on what we learn... and if our counselor doesn't mention this, I WILL!

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  7. true sometimes i would get caught up in being right about everything with my ex.. sometimes we just need to let go..

    -cris

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  8. that was a sweet post, thank you for that great advise.
    I am divorced from an abusive husband, and although there were obvious reasons for leaving him, if that concept was applied in our marriage it would have made things a tiny tiny bit better

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  9. we started our sessions yesterday! i already feel better after 1 and we have 2 more to go!

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  10. Hi! New follower here, just wanted to say hi first. :)

    Thank you for sharing that with us! I will definitely take your advice. I have a feeling that my parents learned about this without the courses, but not as many of us are as fortunate as that.

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  11. That is good advice. Congratulations to you on your upcoming marriage. Sounds like you're pretty prepared. I remember taking the premarriage counseling, but I actually don't remember a whole lot from it. LOL!

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  12. Great post - I think you are absolutely right.

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  13. I absolutley love this post! Although we idn't take a course, we're workign through it all now, BUT I wish we did beforehand. We "though" we were ready lol. But thankfully we get along fab and don't fight so we can discuss these things liek adults lol :-)

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  14. I love this post!! My thing... is never go to bed angry... and it helps. xo

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  15. This is so great! I'm actually excited to do that before my wedding someday, weird as that is.

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  16. I loved this entire post, but especially this part:

    because when you're engaged,
    you should be planning your marriage
    as much as you are planning your wedding.


    So true... That just gives me more impetus to convince my boyf we should get married in a church.

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