3/25/10

clearing my head


today is a dark, rainy spring day
and i came outside this morning
before dante awoke
to be alone with my thoughts.
i feel like i've been so inside my head lately,
consumed with ponderances about
where i'm headed,
who i am becoming,
what i like and what i want to change
about myself and my life.

i would love a little clarity,
or the ability to just take a breath
and accept the way things are right now,
but i seem bent on examining every little detail
and my analytical mind wants to draw some sort of conclusion.

i tend to live my life looking back
on past experiences,
and using them to judge the place i'm at presently
but that is something i'm trying to stop.
where i've been and what i've done in the past
doesn't in any way dictate
where i'm going or who i am today.

it's strange how leaving school seems to open the door
to a quarter-life-crisis
but it makes sense because now suddenly we are no longer
working towards a 4-year goal
- there is a huge accomplishment behind us, and we think, what's next? -
and now i am working, every day the same,
and it makes me examine what i really want to be doing
every day for the rest of my life.

my priorities have been shifting
- some come up strong on certain days, and fade away on others -
and i've been shining a light inwards.
when i decided to take this year to make a fresh start
and really decide where i wanted life to take me,
i didn't actually think it would take the whole year
to make these decisions.
but the choices and the options run deeper than
- what career -
- when to start a family -
- where to live -
...i'm realizing that the question i'm working on is
who will i become?

i believe that every moment you have the opportunity
to make yourself into who you want to be.
lately i've been starting to lay the groundwork for my ideal self
and surprisingly this outline doesn't come in the form of
lists or goals or journal entries.
it comes as a feeling, as thoughts and emotions
that i'm beginning to identify with and be comfortable with.

i'm still working on my ideal self,
and she will probably change a little every day,
depending on my mood and the things that happen.
but more than anything, i am sure of one thing.
i want to be happy with the choices that i make,
and i want to be comfortable with myself.
...these are things that come from within...
nothing that happens to me can change these qualities.

so i'll keep taking things one day at a time
and remembering at each step to listen to the voice inside
telling me what is right...
for me.

ps, i am also guest blogging over at teddyloveslu today... go take a look!

weheartit

18 comments:

  1. Beautiful words my friend, just beautiful, lucky you, don't have regrets!

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  2. the best thing is that you recognize all of these things, that's for sure the first step.
    This post shows sincerity, I love that there are still people out there that know how to use their brains and know how to change.

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  3. i love this post!! i am going through so much of the same things, and i enjoyed reading this! :))

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  4. Great post. I have a lot of the same questions, and you are right - making lists and over-analyzing does not seem to help. It does come down to being comfortable with yourself!

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  5. I constantly feel the same way!!

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  6. I remember how scary it was to finish University! And it took me a while to realize that I was struggling with this new chapter of my life, when you're a student, you know what you're doing, you know what's expected of you and when that ends... it's terrifying! But also, all the possibilities and opportunities... think about those!

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  7. girl, i am in the same boat. i am not happy at my job but i stilll can't determine what kind of career i should be pursuing.

    i really like this point you made : "i want to be happy with the choices that i make,
    and i want to be comfortable with myself.
    ...these are things that come from within...
    nothing that happens to me can change these qualities." i think i needed to be reminded of this truth.

    i think so many people struggle with the "quarter-life crisis." joel (hubby) is working on his PhD in counseling & the area of research he is focusing on is this very phenomenon. i think it is definitely a life transition period that is downplayed.

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  8. I'm in such a similar place! I'm taking this time in Canada to explore what's next for me 'career' wise. Do I go back to being a finance lawyer when we return to the UK? Or do I go in another direction completely? All I know so far is that it's a SLOOOW process! :) I continue to pray about it and have every confidence that God will lead me in the right direction. I just want to be who he made me to be and live up to that potential fully! I'm excited!

    Blessings to you in your search. :) xx

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  9. I feel like this all the time, I'm super analytical and so I feel you! Just be confident in who you are and know things will work out how they should:-)

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  10. Wow Meg, I can absolutely relate to everything you're saying.
    It's kind of scary to me that every moment of our lives we have the chance to change, and to become the person we want to be. I think about this often when I have a really unproductive day, or sit around on the couch watching movies for the whole weekend. How is that contributing to making me the person I want to be? (Ha, it's not!)
    What do you do for work right now?
    Hope you feel better! x

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  11. Love this. I can definitely relate :) One day at a time...xx

    http://hopechella.blogspot.com/

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  12. PS I just read this and thought of you :)

    http://wetfishdesigns.com/blog/?p=790

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  13. I think these same things, and you know what is amazing is that you are reflecting... reflecting is key to a great life!! Much love to you! xo

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  14. I have these same thoughts and feelings and can relate completely. I guess I personally thought that by now I would just somehow be me and now I realize I'm a work in progress. Though sometimes it's reassuring that its not done yet. Good luck with our inner reflections and your personal creation.

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  15. good luck with this girlfriend. I am turning 27 in June and STILL trying to figure all this out :o)

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  16. feel the same way... sometimes i feel like im worrying to much about wat my life will become but well i think that everything falls were it wants... wen its the right time.. hope u feel better.

    -cris

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  17. It's a good thing that you're pouring out all your feelings and those things in your heads. I think that's a good step towards revelation. Really do hope you'll find some light soon :)

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  18. I think about these things everyday and I thank you so much for putting them all together in a coherent note. You are an inspiration and I'm glad I happened to drop by and take a look.

    Happy holidays!

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