3/18/10

passing time


a number of you commented on
how lovely my day seemed yesterday,
and i'll tell you the truth...
i needed a lovely afternoon out in the sunshine.
i spent my morning sitting at my desk,
applying for jobs in september in three different cities
and hyperventilating a little bit.
i've written before about my tendency to overplan,
and how it's been difficult for me to feel like i'm waiting
for something to come along and change my life
because i'm not able to change it for myself right now.
we're still waiting to hear back from two of dante's grad schools,
and i'm trying to visualize what my life will be like next year
depending on whether we end up in guelph, toronto, or vancouver.
but it makes me sad to feel like i'm just sitting here passing time
until we can move again and actually settle down somewhere
so that i can put down roots and start branching out.
sometimes i feel unable to even
move forward with doing the smallest things...
i want to start an herb garden in some flowerpots on my balcony,
but realized that it didn't make any sense to start a little garden
in case we move across the country in a few months
because it's not something i would be able to take with me.
also, i'm still very discouraged about looking for ways to volunteer
in my community because a number of the programs
that i feel passionate about ask that their volunteers guarantee
at least a six-month commitment
which i'm unable to do.

i'm feeling a bit stir-crazy,
and i'm doing my best to take deep breaths,
and continue doing the little things that make me happy
like yoga, running, reading, and enjoying our beautiful city
on gorgeous days like yesterday (and today, for that matter).
for the most part i'm happy where life is right now...
happy to be able to relax, and enjoy the little moments.
but the upcoming change is palpable,
and i don't feel like i can make any big commitments
or really move forward with the big things
i want to do with my life until next fall.
sometimes the anxiety gets to me
and i just want to go back to bed
and not come out until it's august
when i know where we'll be moving,
what i'll be doing,
and i can get started on it all.

do you ever wish that you could just fast-forward
through a stagnant time in your life?
what little things do you do to feel like you're making progress,
even if it's only in small amounts?

weheartit

17 comments:

  1. I get stir crazy ALL the time and want to fast forward but then I think about all the little things I would miss out on and just take some deep breathes, sip on some wine and enjoy that I live in a beautiful city with LOTS of sunshine! Get your relax on dear!!

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  2. I COMPLETELY empathize with this post. I have spent many hours lately convincing myself that everything will be ok and work out! Sometimes I am so sick of being a young-20's-something because life is so unpredictable and unsettled. For now I'm ok in grad school, but I am stressing about my boyfriend finding a job here so we can be together for a year before we are thrown to the winds once again. He's a year ahead of me so our lives have been out of sync since he graduated college. Last summer was probably my most "stagnant" point. I felt trapped in my 9-5 internship and felt like I couldn't do anything with my life because I was living in a sub-let and would be moving across the country in 3 months. I was completely unsatisfied and uninspired. So for you I say, forget that your life is "temporary" right now because EVERYTHING is temporary, and change will always be a part of life. Start that herb garden! You have a months to enjoy it and you need to live for the moment, not in preparation for the unknown future. (There's probably an awesome quote somewhere that deals with this haha.) Everything will fall in place and work out because it always does. And the next person to live in your house will probably be really happy to inherit some herb pots (at least I would be :) I've found that if I self-impose some little rituals or routines in my day it gives life a lot more meaning. Like, even trivial things like making my bed every day and cleaning the kitchen before I go to sleep. It's so ironic that when I am super busy and have no time for thinking or reflection I feel unbalanced, but in the times I have way too much free time I feel even worse! Well that's my novel on the subject. I don't know if it's useful but it felt good to vent a little :)

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  3. i totally know what you mean because i'm still waiting to hear back from internships for the summer and i have know idea what's going to happen. i think doing things that you can control helps like making your bed or going for a run or reading a book just because you want to. good luck with everything! we need to make a club - overplanners anonymous ;)

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  4. oh absolutely!

    i'm divorced bc my husband was abusive so i have these irrational fears of getting too serious with any guys. i'm trying to "move on" and be normal again but it's so hard! i always want to fast forward through this time and this stress.
    i guess we can only learn from it!

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  5. i completely understand what you're saying. i've had a million points in life when i've felt like fast forwarding. but then, i guess i wouldn't have learned anything. it's hard feeling like your in between places and can't really settle. i hope you find out soon where you are headed next!

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  6. Yes I'm there right now . . . waiting to make more $$$ in my side business so i can quit my day job . . . I'm ready now lol:-)

    Anywho everything will work out fab, just enjoy your chill down time!

    P.S. go to Vancouver!!! :-)

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  7. Oh how I hate that antsy feeling! I make lists...planning little bits of things I can actually accomplish, like reading a book, seeing my friends ,making jewelry. Soo hard to relax you have no clue what the future holds. Prayers & meditating helps!

    I think you could take a potted herb garden with you wherever you end up.

    {hugs}
    Johanna

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  8. I make small goals that I check off, so, eventually they add up to one big goal... little milestones etc. Sending you a hug! xo

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  9. I know exactly how you feel. I'm a planner who doesn't do at all well with uncertainty, so a situation like yours would drive me crazy. I need to know what's going on, what the plans are and what's going to happen. If not, I freak out, haha! You just need to relax and trust that everything will work out fine. Use this time to do things you love... like you said, reading, running and exploring your for-now home. Enjoy it all while you can!

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  10. I feel your pain. That miserable Waiting Place is the pits. Sometimes it seems like tons of time has passed and all you've done is go along with it. I realize that this does not offer any sort of solution or suggestion, but it's nice to know that others are there, too and that they frequently visit this black-hole in space and time. Try to stay afloat!

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  11. I think my fast forward button is broken...my slow motion is working well though :|

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  12. I have been in this position a million times! I feel it so often! I love planning things in the future! The best thing I have found to do when there are Lulls are to read, enjoy the quiet, it usually means its temporary... like the calm before the storm! Storm could just mean super busy!

    Enjoy the little things! One thing I have learned being that we move a lot because we rent homes is to do things that make you happy NOW, even if you cant take it with... if you can do it to take with ... bonus!

    Plant your flowers and herbs! And take it with!

    Trina
    www.mommeville.com

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  13. I experienced something similar last summer. I had arrived in Canada not too long before, was laid off from my first job and had a loooong period of nothing when looking for a new one. I only got one temp job in that time. I was so frustrated and was dependent on my parents sending money. It got to the point where I was maybe going to have to go home to the UK. (Disaster, as the reason I was here in the first place was to see where a relationship was going! Putting 5,000 miles between us probably wasn't going to help...)

    I found that, as time went on, as I prayed and as my friends prayed for me, I became convinced that God had a plan, that he was keeping me for something good. (After all, I had sought his guidance and signs in ever increasing measure as to whether to come to Canada in the first place, so I knew that it was right for me to be here.)

    Three months in, I was sitting at home and one day received three calls - I had THREE interviews the following day! To cut a long story short, I got the most unlikely job of the three (a 6 week temp job compared to a 6 month job) and was given a permanent contract within a month of starting.

    And I suppose my point is really that, as well as having something very good in store for me, God used the time to work in me, to change me, by increasing my trust in him and to be more at peace as a result.

    So even though you`re frustrated and don`t know what`s coming next, God does, and this time of uncertainty, although frustrating, is not a waste. :)

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  14. do i ever get this!
    right now, i'm in a constant state of wander.
    when i'm travelling, i want to be settled.
    when i'm temorarily settled i either want to grow roots permanently or travel again.
    i'm horrible at the inbetweens and although i travel where the wind blows, i love to know what's next.
    i want to have real furniature, a place to play my record collection, a church to call my own, a place where i am passionate about volunteering my time, saturday morning rituals.

    just sit tight and know that what's coming will come.
    enjoy every single day right now, because life does move FAST.
    you can find one small thing to indulge in every day that makes it an adventure.

    you can do it! you'll be moving before you know it.

    great blog, following too!

    love&light!

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  15. Oh wow, I totally know what you mean! I hate those times of just the unknown.... I'm sure everything will come together perfectly and it looks like we should at least have some lovely PNW weathe for the weekend!

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  16. It is really hard when you know change is coming, but you have to kind of bumble along for a while in 'limbo' before it happens. I feel like this too at the moment ;-) but, like you, I simply try to concentrate and focus on all the little things that please me - it's hard to do that because some days you just want to SCREAM! but still, i remind myself that there are many who would just love to see the Spring flowers poking through the warming soil, or smell the sunshine that is starting to spill out from the sky... focusing on this usually works... and you could start a herb garden and then pass it along to someone when you leave? maybe you could volunteer at a school and start a herb garden there :-)

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  17. Aw, I just saw this post, and am so sorry you're feeling this way! It must be hard not knowing where you're going to end up. (I have a similar problem... I really want to move back to Southern California and my boyfriend needs to be here for work, so I find myself complaining a lot... when what I really should be doing is living in the present, and just enjoying where I am right now! Haha, but whyyy is it so hard?!)I'm also looking for a place to volunteer, but find that the year commitment often scares me off... That sounds horrible, and is something I really need to work on! I usually go back to a book called "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" for inspiration... Hope you feel better soon!

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