10/19/10

on hearing myself


i was going to do a post about our weekend trip to toronto,
but that will have to wait until tomorrow.
today i'm overcome with the urge to write
about something that's been on my mind for awhile...
intuition.

i've been realizing lately that i'm not very good
at listening to what my heart tells me. 
i often let other people talk me into or out of something, 
regardless of how i really feel about it. 
it's partly because i don't want to cause conflict
and partly because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
i've always felt that everyone should be able to be heard,
but maybe it's gone too far.
i've begun to think of myself as a bit of a pushover
and i'm realizing that if i'm ever going to get
to where i want to be, 
i have to start taking that little voice inside of me
a lot more seriously

for example... 

i had a bridesmaid
who tended to be rather pushy
when she wanted something her way,
but even when she was being quite rude
i tried to brush off her behaviour
rather than get into a big drama right before my wedding.
there were some things she insisted on that i didn't agree with,
but i never argued & ended up feeling walked-all-over.
now i live with the regret of not having stood up for myself
and my wants & needs during my own wedding planning!

after we got our kitten mortimer, 
i felt our staircase was unsafe for him because 
he kept poking his head out over the railing. 
paul thought he would be fine, 
so we didn't put anything up to keep him away from the edge. 
of course, a week later he slipped and fell 
(luckily he just got a sore little butt, and no broken bones!) 
and although the vet assured me that kittens fall all the time
and it's part of learning their boundaries, 
i still beat myself up for not listening to my instincts. 

these days,
i know my heart is trying to tell me
which direction i should be taking my life in,
but i'm having trouble slowing down and really listening.
actually, i'm a little scared to start paying attention to my intuition,
because i feel like it's telling me to do some wild & crazy things with my life...
things i'm not sure i'm ready to do.
after getting a bachelor of science degree
and working for years in university student affairs,
am i really strong enough to start pursuing a whole new career?

my mind tends to take over,
reminding me of financial obligations,
family obligations,
and the fact that starting all over could be
an extremely difficult & slow process.
but at least i'm starting to let the little voice in...
the one that says
"maybe you can do it... you should at least try."

so i'm keeping an open mind
as to where life could take me next.
maybe it will be to another university job
that i will be super passionate about,
or maybe it will push me in
the more challenging and rewarding direction
of the unknown.

at least i know that as long as i'm listening to my heart,
no matter what i try
(whether i succeed or fail)
will make me happy.

 images from weheartit


10 comments:

  1. Great post! Kudos. I, too, should start listening "to my gut" as I usually put it. Intuition is a much lovelier word! WORD!

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  2. Wow, truly an amazing post, i always get so confused in making my decisions, too. I'm glad we can settle things by following our hearts.

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  3. Go make a change! It's better to end up doing something you want to do, and enjoy it, then to be stuck so early on at something you're just doing because. You're still young with no dependants (Paul doesn't count!). Life changes are ALWAYS a step in the right direction.

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  4. yes! as long as you listen to your heart you can't fail. i love that.

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  5. I believe no matter what our intuition always knows our future before us and you always trust it no matter how scary or painful the "now" is because it all passes and turns into something more beautiful. And one things I have learned through time.... you can do anything... anything you want just make it happen and do it! One step at a time!

    trina
    www.mommeville.com

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  6. Wow...we are so much alike in this area. I tend to let people walk all over me as well. Then either I eventually blow up or I just stop talking to the person because I am so upset. Either way it results in losing a friend.

    I tend to ignore my gut and push away feelings. I am trying to listen to myself more now. My fav quote is from my fav song, "All Mixed Up" by 311. I am trying to live by it. It goes: "You've got to trust your instinct and let go of regret...."

    If I wasn't such a sissy I'd get that tattooed lol!

    Sorry for the long post!! Great blog :)

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  7. I just love your posts! Intuition is such a powerful thing, you must learn to listen to your gut. It's hardly ever wrong :) xx

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  8. Great post; we should always listen to that inner voice.

    http://youcanfacetodaybecausehelives.blogspot.com

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  9. Thanks for sharing this! My mind has been playing a tug-of-war with my heart lately, and my intuition trying to referee the game. Anyway, your words here are a huge encouragement, and I'm so very greatful!

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  10. Your posts always seem to read my mind.
    I think everyoen struggles with this to some point - some more than others. I know I do! It's so hard to listen to what our hearts say and then follow it, especially if we're very logical people who think of all the have to's before the want to's. it's tough. I hope you figure it out! :) Sounds like you're right on track! :)

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