the illusion of control.

there has been a lot of change around here lately, starting with a growing belly, ending my full-time work as yoga teacher & studio manager, and culminating with the birth of a new little guy in my life, which has resulted in changes i couldn't have anticipated (feeling like my heart now lives outside of my body, and missing someone more than i ever have missed anyone before even though he's only just asleep in the next room, for starters). with more changes coming up in the near future (another move, potentially anywhere in north america) it's kind of a surprise to me how settled i am feeling in my role as a new mom with an uncertain future. i feel like i have adapted pretty quickly to my new normal. not knowing what each day will bring can be pretty difficult - will he resist sleeping and get cranky & overtired? will we get out of the house today? - but i have found that the more i can let go and roll with the punches, the more i tend to look back on the day and think "that was a good day" no matter what it consisted of. i guess i just have to admit that this little 12lb man now runs my life.

i have noticed that the less i hold on tight and try to control everything, the more satisfied i have become with my life. it's good to have a plan - i know where i want to be in five years, for example (two kids, settled in, teaching yoga several times per week, and buying our first house) - but i've learned that the details will fill themselves in on their own time.

we spend a lot of energy on trying to control our lives. before we moved out east for paul's phd program, i remember meticulously planning our potential life in each possible city we could be moving to. it was exhausting and overwhelming, and ultimately didn't help me - once we landed in guelph, i still felt the surrealness of living in a town we'd never so much as visited before, and it still took me several weeks to adapt and get comfortable with my new reality. so what was the purpose of all that energy spent "preparing" for our multiple possible futures? i'm realizing now that i'd rather spend that time living in the present than looking forward to & trying to prepare for what may come.

so this time around i'm going to just live day to day, enjoying the little things (whether they are a walk around the block, a jaunt across town for a mama & baby yoga class, or a day spent at home in bed with a fussy monkeypie), knowing that i can make plans for every little detail of life, but they aren't always going to work out, and i'll be a whole lot happier if i accept that.

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