birthday reflections: still figuring things out

{image from here}

today i turn 30. it's always been a huge milestone in my mind, but now that i've got a little 6-month-old on my hands, my big birthday seems to have taken a bit of a backseat. but i'm sitting here enjoying a relaxing magazine read while phoenix naps, and NOT tidying the house, and that seems like celebration enough to me.

not just because of my birthday, but also because of where i'm at with parenting, with my career, and with my own self, i've been pondering my position in life lately. parenting (especially these last few days, when phoenix decided he'd rather scream than go back to sleep eleven times a night) has given me many unforeseen challenges to deal with. i've had to adjust my expectations numerous times to keep from jumping out a window. i'm learning that even though i may want things to go a certain way, there are other people involved (who don't communicate with language, and who don't do so well with compromise) who may want things a different way. so i am slowly learning to negotiate new boundaries and strategies, and we are finding our way together in the world.

my career and my personal life have taken a backseat to this all-encompassing job (as much as i loathe to call parenting a job), and i am looking forward to getting those things back on track now in the second half of my year of being a stay-at-home mama. but i know it's going to look different. i can no longer just head out for a run, teach a yoga class, or redesign my website whenever i'd like.

i admitted to myself recently that after moving to toronto i stopped blogging mostly because i lost that pining feeling that propelled me in the years i blogged after i graduated and got married and i was looking for a career and a life purpose and a feeling of being settled. suddenly, three years ago, with our move to toronto, i found all those things. i was in a city i adored. i began to teach yoga and manage an incredible yoga studio and it was as though all the pieces of my life fell into place. i felt like i had things figured out. and so i had nothing left to write about, except all the fun adventures that we were having in our amazing city (and to be honest, i got intimated by the idea that i had to take a ton of beautiful pictures, upload & perfectly edit said pictures, and add them artfully to my blog before i was able to write a post about a fun neighbourhood we explored, or a cute new cafe i'd discovered. it wasn't fun or therapeutic anymore, and so i stopped doing it).

but now everything is on its head again! i'm in a new city, making new friends, and - in a sense - starting over in my career as a yoga instructor. and i'm doing all of this with my new identity as a mama at the forefront of my mind. i'm so excited to carve out a new life for myself in nanaimo, to find places and situations that i fit into and feel excited and delighted to be in. but right now i can't imagine ever being comfortable leaving my sweet little sidekick with anyone besides close family (who aren't available at my beck & call) while i go out and pursue my dreams. i can't imagine having the energy to work towards developing my own brand, let alone opening my own studio. i can't imagine finding the motivation to get up in the morning and run in the cold winter air, when i could be soaking up the last precious minutes of sleep before our day officially begins. 

all of a sudden, i no longer have all the answers, and i'm remembering how exhilarating and scary that is all at once. i have big plans and dreams for myself, my career, my passion, my life, and i kind of have no idea at this point how i'm going to get there. but today, as i venture into a new decade in my life, i am starting to feel ready to embark on this adventure... or at least to take the first step.

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